Short story DOs and DON'Ts

Bartleby Snopes’ guidelines include a list of "Things That Generally Turn Us Off" that's worth bearing in mind wherever you send your stories -

• Stories written in present tense (especially third person present tense)
• Stories with graphic dead baby scenes
• Stories about writers
• Stories about struggling marriages
• Stories set in bars
• Stories with more backstory than plot
• Stories with undeveloped characters
• Stories that are overly reflective
• Stories that rely heavily on second person usage

Comma Press have so many dislikes that I can only list a few here -

• Coming of age stories
• Stories about ordinary, mundane days/existences in which suddenly something happens to change everything
• Stories that aim for complete thematic unity (as though the writing of them was a jigsaw puzzle to be completed) above surprise or delight
• Stories about a) student life; b) splitting up with a partner; c) taking drugs; d) unlikely travel/rave experiences
• Stories whose justification in a workshop scenario might be 'this really happened'
• If you're writing from a female perspective: writing about 'going mad for a bit and having lots of dangerous sex with unwholesome types'
• If you're writing from a male perspective: writing about breaking out of humdrum, conventional existences/work; getting stoned; wild irresponsible nights with unhinged mates; meeting salt-of-the-earth old blokes in pubs who, while not having the education of the protagonist, have home-spun wisdom to impart and are prone to saying 'bloody heck'; feeling intellectually superior.

Jonathan Franzen wrote -

• Fiction that isn't an author's personal adventure into the frightening or the unknown isn't worth writing for anything but money
• Write in the third person unless a ­really distinctive first-person voice ­offers itself irresistibly.

But before you start rewriting, consider the Guardian’s review of the “Best British Short Stories 2015” anthology where they write that “It would appear that – going by this collection and scrutinising the author biographies – your chances of appearing in Best British Stories 2016 will be given a boost by"

• being a woman
• having a connection with the north west
• writing your story in the present tense
• be a bit weird, or uncanny

My 2015 write-ups - hits and misses

Here are the 6 most popular of my 2015 write-ups -

• The Best British Short Stories 2014 by Nicholas Royle (ed)
• The Knowledge by Robert Peake
• Unthology 4 by Robin Jones and Ashley Stokes (eds)
• The Poetry of Seamus Heaney by Elmer Kennedy-Andrews (ed)
• Paper Aeroplane by Simon Armitage
• Used to be by Elizabeth Baines

And here are the 6 least popular -

• Into You by Andrew Greig
• 365 stories by James Robertson
• Eva Shell by Kate North
• The Investigation by Philippe Claudel
• Showing the flag by Jane Gardam
• The fantastic book of everybody's secrets by Sophie Hannah

A poetry submission schedule for early 2016

There are fewer critical dates for poetry submissions than for story submissions - more markets and fewer windows. I shall try to submit to most of these (mostly UK) competitions and submission windows -

• January
  • Bare Fiction - window closes on 9th Jan. See http://www.barefictionmagazine.co.uk/submissions/
  • Magma - window closes on 31st Jan. Theme "revolution". See http://magmapoetry.com/contributions/
  • Kent and Sussex poetry competition - 1st Prize £1000, entry fee £5, deadline 31st Jan.
  • Torriano Poetry Competition - 1st Prize £250, entry fee £3, closing date 30th Jan.
  • The Interpreter's House Poetry Competition - 1st Prize £500, entry fee £4, closing date 30th Jan.
  • Poetry Business pamphlet/book competition (deadline 29th Jan)
  • Rattle chapbook competition (deadline 15th Jan)
• February
  • Interpreter's House - Submission window opens
  • Stinging Fly - Submission window opens
  • Ambit - Submission window opens
• March
  • Straid collection award (deadline 21st March)
  • Cinnamon pamphlet competition (deadline 31st March)
• April
  • Ware Poets Competition - Fee £4. 1st prize £600. Deadline 30th April
  • Vers Poets Competition - Fee £4. 1st prize £600. Deadline 30th April
• May
  • Magma - window closes on 30th May. See http://magmapoetry.com/contributions/
  • Bridport - Competition deadline 30th May. See http://www.bridportprize.org.uk/

Cambridge Writers

Congratulations to Ilse Pedler, who's won MsLexia's pamphlet prize. Seren will publish it in March 2016. Ilse attends the Cambridge Writers poetry group that I attend. Another member, Diana Brodie, had a book published by Salzburg Press in 2013. A previous member, Emma Danes, was published by Smith Doorstep in 2013. And my pamphlet came out in 2010. Not bad for a little group.

A prose submission schedule for early 2016

As more magazines introduce submission windows, and competitions increase their significance, it's worth planning ahead. I shall try to submit to these (mostly UK) competitions and submission windows -

• January
  • Bare Fiction - window closes on 9th Jan - see http://www.barefictionmagazine.co.uk/submissions/
  • Wigleaf - stories under a 1000 words. Submit during the last week in January - see http://wigleaf.com/about.htm
  • Litro - theme: Britishness. Deadline 25th Jan - see https://litro.submittable.com/submit/44605
• February
  • Nottingham Writers Club - http://www.nottinghamwritersclub.org.uk/national-competition.php. Deadline 29th Feb. Max 2000 words on "Fire". 1st prize £200
  • Interpreter's House - Submission window opens
  • Stinging Fly - Submission window opens
  • Ambit - Submission window opens
  • Exeter - Competition deadline 28th Feb. Max 3000 words. Fee £6, 1st prize £500. See http://www.exeterwriters.org.uk/p/competition.html
• March
  • brittle star competition - Deadline 1st Mar. Max 2000 words. Fee £4.50, 1st prize £250. See http://www.brittlestar.org.uk
  • short fiction - Competition deadline 31st Mar. Max 5000 words. Fee £10, 1st prize £500. See http://www.shortfictionjournal.co.uk/?page_id=33
• April
  • Bath short story award - http://bathshortstoryaward.co.uk/. Deadline 27th Apr. Max 2,200 words. Fee £8, 1st prize £1000.
  • Bristol Competition- deadline 30th Apr. Max 4000 words. Fee £8, 1st prize £1000. There's an anthology too See http://www.bristolprize.co.uk/
• May
  • Bridport - Competition deadline 31st May. Max 5000 words (Fee £9, 1st prize £5000) or 250 words (Fee £7, 1st prize £1000). See http://www.bridportprize.org.uk/
  • Frome - Competition deadline 31st May. See http://www.fromeshortstorycompetition.co.uk
  • Yeovil - Competition deadline 31st May. Max 2000 words (Fee £6, 1st prize £500). See http://www.yeovilprize.co.uk
  • Cinnamon press - Story competition deadline 31st May. Max 5000 words (Fee £12, 1st prize £700). See http://www.cinnamonpress.com/competitions/annual-short-story-prize/
• June
  • Sunderland University - (Fee £3, 1st prize £500). Deadline 1st June. See http://www.sunderland.ac.uk/shortstoryaward/
  • VS Pritchett - (Fee £5, 1st prize £1000). See http://rsliterature.org/award/v-s-pritchett-memorial-prize/

Precision and poetry

Superceded by Poetry and precision

Cold Reading

When you write a review you'd like the author to describe you as empathetic and perceptive, someone who really understands what's inside the author's head. The experts at appearing to be insightful are people who give psychic readings. Rowland in "The full facts book of cold reading" explains some of the tricks, with examples - e.g. the 'Rainbow Ruse' where opposite traits are predicted, as in

• "You can be a very considerate person, very quick to provide for others, but there are times ... when you recognise a selfish streak in yourself"

(p.32). Sounds familiar? How about

• "Condensed, intellectually rigorous and challenging, but nevertheless readable and entertaining" (about Raymond Tallis)
• "These poems speak in a voice of resonant mystery, detached yet tender" (about Peter Streckfus)
• "Her poems have both great delicacy and an undeniable toughness" (about Maura Dooley)

Another trick is to make an observation/prediction that seems surprising or insightful but isn't (the Barnum/Forer effect). A psychic reader suggesting that a person's father died with chest or abdomen problems is quite likely to be right. Similarly, a critic might suggest that a poet who uses rural settings has read Heaney.

When you read out a poem you don't have long to convince the audience that you're worth attending to. Like a psychic's audience, the audience for poetry readings is often receptive, especially if you have appropriate credentials and behave according to the audience's expectations. The skeptic's dictionary points out that psychics' audiences are

• inclined to find more meaning in a situation than there actually is
• likely to remember the hits and forget the misses.
• generally self-centered, have unrealistic views of themselves, and will generally accept claims about themselves that reflect how they wish to be.

Presenting a difficult poem is already flattering the audience whose self-image is enhanced (perhaps even mirrored) by finding meanings. Phrases that fail will be forgotten as long as there's the occasional striking success. The one thing performers mustn't do is shatter the illusion of meaning, or hint that it's all bluff. One doubter in the room can destroy the effect.